manduhhhxx

never here anymore.
tumblr tumblr tumblrrrr. (:

nothing's really new.
oh, except for the fact that i had a reallllyyyy decent summer (:
and everything's cool except the fact that i have too much time on my hands to think about shit and let it bother me,
haven't gotten my foot in the door with a job yet,
school activities haven't really picked up yet either and i really hope somethin starts moving cause if not i'm going to fall into the deep hole of depression i did for the past three years and i really don't care for that.

you are everything, you will always be everything.

i love you scott allen.

Poison The Well - Slice Paper Wrists

When you read this,I will not be the same
I have let my true form show
This is my last.
Lost in all my guilt
For letting you fall, understand, it wasn't me

But I can't dream without showing intentions
As I ask these questions
Where were you?
Now I can't see through your eyes

I remember the day
The sun went out
It halted all progression
With all it's beauty
It just sacrificed
We fell apart
Just sacrificed, and we fell
apart.

Sincerely yours, I've disowned you
Sincerely yours, I've disowned us











no exceptions.
don't seem or feel like i give a fuck, cause i simply don't have a fuck left to give.
make sense?
don't test me.

i've made my mistakes and everyday is a step forward,
especially without fake bitches in the way.

if you're in for an emotional or physical fix, wrong person.
be somebody in my life or get the fuck out.

i just want to be happy like every other person i know. i will always be looking for ways to make myself more mentally efficient to take on the world, not for what i want it to be or what it seems like, but for what it is.

you, all of you don't believe a damn thing but what you can hold in your hands, life is more than now, life is more than what you see.
it's not until you take into account that you've gone over and around you words so many times over, you think damn, maybe right and left are in the opposite directions.

throw me out of your lives. i'll live,
and live for shit that actually matters.

i don't understand why i'm so easy to throw away.
john said i'm grieving. i could'nt really grasp that then, just knew it was possible
but i have a clear view tonight of what has changed and what's been lost,
and for all it's worth

if you can walk out of my life, walk
if you don't like who i am, run
if what i do bothers you, leave
if you're just trying to get something out of me, stop

if i'm easy to throw away when you know how much i care about you and you know i would never do that to you,
get the fuck out of my life and never ever come back.

i don't give a shit who you are, you're fucking all the same,
spineless individuals you were in your earliest stages in your mother's womb, and you have not evolved into anything greater.
you will live and die that way.
all of you.

-----Email Message-----
I'm searching for the love that will make it ok for me to remember.

i wish i could tell her how much our short conversation meant to me.
i sat on the porch with brian's mom a few hours ago, and we talked. it was a general conversation, something we both felt
every now and then injecting a peice of our own lives to make it all make sense.
i felt genuinely close to her. i hung off of every word she said,
"pick your battles", "if you don't address problems as they come, it becomes something you can't handle",
things i knew, things i've heard, things that never meant so much until then.

and i've been having trouble with a few concepts.
things like, am i truely someone worth knowing, am i truely not like everyone else and if i'm not then what sets me apart?
when will things get better, when will i not feel so alone and what will it take, what do i want, what do i need, what truely matters?
where do i start and where do i end, what can i do to turn this all around,
is it even possible?

don't know why i'm still hurt over that. it should'nt matter.
don't know i want things i don't really need either.

i miss kelsey curren really bad. haha

therapy in a couple hours. yes.

facebook conversation with shay;

Amanda:

but i wanna change that so bad. have this huge people dependence that just sucks entirely. my dependence on my friends, my mom, always thinking people are gonna look out for you and see eye to eye just because you're a logical person, bullshit






Bullshit.
surrounds me, constantly, suddenly it's everything, it's everyday, i'm shitfaced and up to my knees stumbling in a goddamn infinite ocean of it. bullshit.

i let myself slip and it went to far.
i know what my mistakes are and know that im wrong but i still yell back at my mom cause im too damn full of pride and bitterness to give a fuck, and she don't either.
there's no where that i feel peace, there's one one that makes me feel peaceful.
just in the most awkward of situations i'm like alright, i'm good, everything will be okay. just to kinda feel shit erupt again.

actions are everything.
no one gives a fuck about the intentions behind them. even though somehow i was built that way, doesn't work. i'll remember that.


i'm fasting.
for spirituality and peace of mind.

and i guess that's all.